Did I mention I have ADD, anxiety and depression? No? Welcome to the cauldron of my mind

“A great read. Polar research is often glamourised, but here the realities are laid bare. Come along on a journey of adventure, humour, science, and madness.” –Anthony Powell, creater of Antarctica: A Year on Ice”

There are levels of bipolar disorder, I am on meds (about four years now) going to cognitive behavioral therapy, was in talk therapy since I was a teen and the biggest change the meds have provided is a heightened awareness of what is going on with me. This can be a blessing and a curse. I overanalyze EVERYTHING did I mention the ADD? What the meds and therapy have done for me is make me feel less alone, and deal better with scary thoughts. I am calmer about having mood disorders and working on them. My meds and attitudes about them will be for another post.

So in my readings and through therapy, mindfulness and meditation have been suggested as a tool. Having ADD I thought this was hilarious. I have not cracked this one it is a new concept. I have used slowing down my breathing when panicking or just being overexcited so far.

I also know being in the moment is important not stressing about the past or the future. This is a goal I am working towards. I have an app, yes an app about guided meditation and I keep falling asleep when I try it. At least I am relaxed.

Anxiety, everyone has it but it is more acute and more debilitating when it enters the mental health arena. When I saw my second and current psychiatrist, we consulted for two hours and did birth till 45. He said I was bipolar, had generalized anxiety disorder (GAD, I love acronyms) attention deficit disorder (ADD) phobias, and depressive swings. What a cornucopia of crap to deal with.

The gist of what we focus on is mood stabilizing, I remember saying at the time maybe I should cut out caffeine. He said that might not be a bad idea. Huzzah! No coffee or soda I cured myself! If only it worked that way. All of these conditions hold hands with the other and jumble up so I try not to obsess about what umbrella I am under, usually it is obvious.

Depression was much worse when I was younger three bad episodes. Now I have wallow days, sad days, weighted down days, angry days, crying days. I have them, note them, forgive myself most of the time.

Did I mention I have ADD I thought of twenty more things to write about while writing this post. I had coffee with blueberry flavoring at work because it was the only K cups they had and I think I had an allergic reaction to the fake blueberry nothing serious just itchy, but really?

Well I have mentally ping ponged enough tonight I am finally tired.

Until next time.