Not a doctor, just my stories
Well, when you go for decades without medical/mental terms and you are an overanalytical, introverted sponge who absorbs peoples’ moods, stresses, scaries, plus feel your own personal moods, stresses, scaries and the like, mental terms were spectacular. Something to sink my teeth into. If there are terms it’s not just me (you know it’s not only you but when you are deep in, through the looking glass, reality gets warped and you can feel like you are hanging on by the thinnest of threads to get back home.)
I find psychology interesting and it is the way I experience the world. So when I started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and medication and my psychiatrist and therapist started using words like catastrophizing (my personal favorite) tachyphylaxis (bad reaction to a med—love it) intrusive thoughts, cognitive distortions, automatic thoughts, racing thoughts, bipolar (still hate it) hypomania, cyclothamia, depression, I was in heaven. I like words, I like definitions. It gives me a structure. It also described things I experience in my mind and made it more tangible less ethereal.
Don’t get me wrong just because I have a juicy word like catastrophizing doesn’t make it suck any less or keep me from experiencing it but once the thought is gone I don’t feel “crazy” and it can be funny because it is so blown out of proportion. Let’s do catastrophizing today since it is my favorite.
Driving—avoided it for years because the thought of being behind the wheel of a giant machine that my uncoordinated ass was supposed to control meant screaming death, not I feel like going to the mall.
House-When we bought our house my husband had mentioned getting on a ladder to clean out gutters (of the detached garage not even a story) and I said what if there is a wasp’s nest in the gutter and he gets stung all over and falls off the ladder and breaks his legs. Then I said I didn’t want him on a ladder period.
Dogs—we have two. I kill them off a lot. Run into the street, fight with another dog, eat something poisonous, one of the dogs is a poodle and someone told us their stomach can flip over. I think about it happening and can we get to the vet in time. I think about these things often rather than enjoying my dogs.
Worst case scenario-We were going to see Hamilton having waited a year and the big day comes closer. Then one of us will get sick, one us will get hurt. Will there be traffic and we are late and miss a chunk of the show or they don’t let us in? Will both our phones die so the damn QWERTY barcode thingy doesn’t come up?
This thing I am excited about can’t possibly happen without a hitch. (It..always..happens..without..a hitch) but I am anxious until butt in seat, every..single..time. It is exhausting. Wait I forgot bad weather, catastrophic weather will keep me from having fun.
I did teach myself to watch my husband and if he’s not worried I’m not worried. This doesn’t really work but it tones things down for me so I can be more in the moment, enjoy the day, smell roses, look forward to…this is bull something is going to go wrong trust me.
Until next time-