Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day I forgive myself for yesterday…

Tuesday June 4

I felt uncomfortable and anxious all day. It was bad enough that I called my hubby in the afternoon just to hear his voice. I was not concerned just noted the spike in anxiety and butterflies. I tracked back a few days to look for triggers and I had had plenty. As is my pattern my imagination and thought process moves way ahead of what is happening currently.

My mom had a little mishap over the weekend in the house and bruised herself up. She is 77 and in good shape but lives alone in a large house and was upset enough she mentioned maybe getting a life alert. I worry about her anyway because I don’t speak to her everyday and I have had images of her falling and not being able to call.

I skipped a period. Nothing to be concerned about since menopause is starting which in and of itself causes hormonal issues. Based on the timing I was probably PMSing as well. With no children; partially by choise, partially by circumstance, even though I am 51 and have an IUD when I skip my period I always have half a second wondering whether I am pregnant and that’s cool since I never had the experience. Then I wonder whether I am pregnant and that’s not cool because of my age. After the fantasy pregnancy thoughts end I am excited about menopause; no more period! Then I am sad; no more period, no chance for babies. Finally I feel guilty that we enjoy our life without children.

My pressured speedy speech and interrupting was bad enough that a colleague at work asked me to wait until she was finished with her story. She was slightly annoyed, I was embarrassed and upset this is so hard for me to control.

Will all the distractions, swirling thoughts and natural hormonal issues I was overloaded mentally, unhappy and then anxious. I have been trying to work on quieting my brain with relaxing or simple tasks but the truth is only when I am alone can I just be– but even with my husband that night I felt overstimulated with a pressing need to talk, make myself heard, be noticed, manic.

Wednesday June 5

I feel fine. We started to talk about ways to handle the mom issue. My hormones seem to be calming down. Fantasy pregnancies and guilt drifted to the back of my brain where they usually reside. When I got home I felt very relaxed, enjoyed the dogs, watched TV with my husband and when I went to bed I drifted off quickly.

This is a classic swing but even I was surprised at the intense up and down over the space of one day. I almost could not remember why I had felt so anxious Tuesday. I can chalk Tuesday up to a regular old bad day, and Wednesday as a regular old normal day but the heightened feelings, intense emotions, and the triggers; some mental and some environmental is where I think the bipolar disorder comes in.

I know when I am overloaded, overstimulated, manic and flooded with negative thoughts but I still have to struggle to keep calm, in control and just plain not scared. Being aware of my anxiety, being able to monitor how bad it is and what I need to feel better has a lot to do with therapy, my meds and living with this for so long.

See you on the upside.

Until next time