Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day I forgive myself for yesterday…

Bed. Bed spelled backwards is Deb, one of my husband’s jokes. I love my bed, I never feel as safe or cozy as being buried under blankets. I watch TV under a fuzzy blanket even if it is hot. I cover myself in my jacket at the new movie theaters with seats that recline. Sometimes I “sofa nap” I curl up on our sofa while my husband watches TV so I can snooze with the dogs and my husband nearby.

Sleeping too much can be a sign of depression. That was the case for me at times in my life. There could be a touch of that now but mostly I am just tired and my brain can exhaust me and cocooning makes me feel safe.

Botti. Spelling unclear. It is what my husband called his bottle when he was a baby. We have commandeered the word to mean iced coffee time if we are out and about and I get the 3pm droops. I can’t drive by a Dunkin’ Donuts without pointing and saying botti? if we are in the car. This is an adult comfort and sometimes I need the boost and other times it can be a soothing comfort and if I can override the desire to have a sweet treat with the botti I have the added bonus of a triumph. This is about 50/50 these days. I do stress eat. Then the comfort comes with the added bonus of dollops of guilt!

Television. Lots of it. This has waxed and waned over the years. I could write ten posts on my relationship to television. When I was a child I buried myself for hours sometime 8 to 10 at a stretch. This soothed my extreme anxiety which I was unaware of at the time and gave me access to a world I was afraid to interact with. I used the TV as a tool to learn how to be social but imagine the mixed signals when you do go out in the world and your only reference might be The Brady Bunch?

I buried in TV in my thirties as well. Cocooned in my apartment with box set DVD’s of shows I liked and I would watch episode after episode. My post therapy, pre bipolar diagnosis I feel it was another way to slow my brain down. Negative thoughts, looping, depression, anxiety, ADHD, I could focus when I watched TV and the pinging thoughts would subside. I discussed in therapy that I was medicating with television.

I still watch TV and if I am feeling down I can still veg out for a day and watch for 4 or 5 hours but by the next day I am ready to be more productive. Now I know my patterns so well there are very few secrets I can keep from myself or denial that I can go into.

The other day I discussed some of my recent television, book and social media obsessions with my husband and asked him if he thought I was in a manic phase. The wise one said maybe a little but I was also having fun. Fun, huh nothing wrong with that. Not everything needs to be seen through the lens of bipolar disorder.

I need to practice just being sometimes, clear my head. I have been trying to achieve occasional quiet brain, no TV, reading, music, podcasts with headphones, silence around me. This is mindfulness right now for me a new concept a new comfort, and a new addition to managing my moods. Quiet time just like in nursery school an oldie but a goodie.

Until next time,