Tag Archives: Anxiety

Limbo

Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day, I forgive myself for yesterday…

Limbo-not the fun party game or purgatory which came up as the first definition when I was looking up the definition. I don’t do well with waiting, being in transition, not knowing how long transition will be. I do not embrace the unknown, I plan being spontaneous. I want an answer and I want it now! Queue Veruca Salt “I want it now!” song Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder. Also imagine me stamping my foot like a toddler in my head.

I quickly doodled this to capture my mood while waiting to hear about a job. Not an artist (obvious) but the simple image popped into my head because I am reading a graphic novel about bipolar and mood disorders by Ellen Forney, yes a graphic novel called Rock Steady Brilliant Advice from my Bipolar life. As a graphic novel it removes so much stigma and gives good advice, deals with the issues seriously but with humor. I recommend.

So limbo see/sawing feeling close to two outcomes, waiting making me anxious and sad, eating cookies usually comes into play. Swinging between top and bottom like that carnival ride, shaped like a boat and it swings back and forth till you are almost but not quite vertical. Will I meet a polar bear-up-outcome I want (cool) or a penguin-still cool penguins are cool but not the outcome I want.

So as my artwork depicts I am trying to get my feet on the ground, steady, I have an answer good or bad. Whether it is what I want or not my feet are on the ground yay! But wait how long will I be on the ground , what is the next thing to worry and wait on, if I got what I wanted what will go wrong, if I was disappointed do I want to go through it all again.

I often try to justify my rapid fire and exaggerated thoughts with real events. I was waiting to hear about a full time job I wanted. I was very close just one competitor and my interview was great. Now it was outcome A) get the job happy B) don’t get the job disappointed, angry. So what happened? C) They pulled the job for the time being. Where the hell did C) come from that is not a seesaw that is a freakin curvature. I was not expecting C) I still have a shot not a rejection but WHEN! Mental stamping of feet actual eating of cookies.

What comes next…patience…accepting not knowing…eat an apple. Sigh.

D–

Random Thoughts

Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day, I forgive myself for yesterday…

So I talk a lot, I talk fast, sometimes my mouth can’t keep up with my brain and I jump to a third sentence when the first two are still in my head. Sometimes I catch myself when I am about to tangent and I announce to my husband that I am “jumping” meaning I am about to wildly change topics.

I have had mood disorders since I was a kid, not really diagnosed until I was forty-five when I first heard the term racing thoughts. Basically, my brain can go into overdrive, thoughts pinging and careening, I now imagine my brain like a pinball machine. It does not mean I am more intelligent, mostly it makes me tired, and sometimes very loud when I am happy or excited.

I have bipolar disorder a term I hate, so many variations in symptoms. Most of the time I am not manic or depressed. I can have heightened anxiety, heightened empathy causing anxiety or panic from things I have read or seen that don’t relate to me directly, looping thoughts I can’t stop, but I am not running around in a garbage bag punching people like Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook (good movie, good book) or a spy? Never seen Homeland.

I recently read that polar bears are from the north pole and penguins from the south pole (and some temperate zones) so unless they are in a zoo would never meet in the wild. (This is probably something I should have known but I saw it on a poster in a children’s room in the library and had an aha moment for a blog) Most of the time I am neither up (polar bear) or down (penguin) I shoot for the equator.

I take some anxiety meds and a mood stabilizer. I am also pre-menopausal now, main symptoms–you guessed it mood swings, just like bipolar symptoms. Really? Cosmic joke? Am I bipolaring or hormoning right now? Does it matter? Probably not, I overthink it.

I am going to write about my thoughts, musings, and life with mood disorders. I look at most of these thoughts and feelings with humor which is a coping mechanism for me although mental health issues are no joke.

I have a good life, loving husband, two dogs, a job I love, librarian. No complaints but getting my zooming thoughts down somewhere would be therapeutic. Good for me maybe of some interest to others. So here we go off to the racing thoughts.

 

Best D–